


MESA, JAR JAR!!!

by Ewok_Poet



Series: Crack!Fics [3]
Category: Harry Potter - J. K. Rowling, Star Wars - All Media Types, Star Wars Prequel Trilogy
Genre: Crack, Crack Crossover, Crack Relationships, Crack Treated Seriously, F/F, F/M, Gen, Humour, M/M, Multi, Other
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2015-03-29
Updated: 2015-06-16
Packaged: 2018-03-20 05:12:31
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Major Character Death
Chapters: 2
Words: 3,305
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/3638028
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Ewok_Poet/pseuds/Ewok_Poet
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Jar Jar Binks is on a roll, no self control. And he is quite serious about it. Loosely inspired by 30 H's, but then taking its own twist. Everything you see here, including things such as unnecessary dialogue tags IS COMPLETELY INTENTIONAL. Pollo Dorks, the poor soul chronicling this is a reporter for Otoh Gunga Daily.</p>
            </blockquote>





	1. CHAPTRA UNA - LOREM IPSUM DOLOR SIT AMET

Jar Jar wiped the remains of the Imperial advisor #58 from his tonguelightchainsaw and threw him off the edge of the protoplanetary disk in the Kuna's Eye system, which prompted an avalanche of mothered words coming from some really, really random loser on Maya Kovel. He did try a piece beforehand, but it didn't taste anything like fish, so eating the Human supremacist was out of question.

"MY KILL EVERYBODYS! MY REVENGE PALPATINE!" the Gungan senator wailed uncontrollably, his third eye flashing on the tip of his tongue. The eye barely managed to catch a breath, as it was nearly suffocating under the weight of the tonguelightchainsaw.

An asteroid flew by, carrying a Human, his eyes glowing yellow. He was a youngling, it seemed, and he was assertively standing by the corpse of something that looked suspiciously like Yoda, but Yoda usually had a head and wore something less revealing, yet stylish. Jar Jar did not approve of this dead creature's rags. In his own upcoming Jarjaric Empire, there was to be a set of laws on modesty.

"WHOSA YOUSA?" Jar Jar said, said, said, said, said.

"My name is Harry Potter! You killed my father! Prepare to die!"

"MY NO KILLED YOUSA FATHER, NUTSEN! YOUSA IN WRONG STORY!" yelled Jar Jar, his angst slowly beginning to crumb the protoplanetary disk he was standing on. "BUT MY KILL YOUSA."

"Come at me, bro!" asserted Potter, "I have chumpits, and my beloved guitar, the Kriffslayer!"

"WHATSA GUITAR? AND WHATSA KINDA NUTSEN NAME IS KIFFMEYER?"

"The name Kügelschreiber had to be censored for your *beep* world, because your galaxy just cannot handle the cruel *beep* reality of mine, you *beep*. I am going to *beep* the *beep* out of your pathetic *beep* of *beep*. *beep* *beep* *beep* *beep* *beep* *beep* *beep* *beep* *beep* *beep* *beep* *beep* *beep* *beep* *beep*

"YOUSA NOW SOUND LIKE R2-D2...JAR JAR'S UPCOMING EMPIRE PROHIBITSA COPYRIGHT INFRINGEMENT! YOUSA MUSTA BE PUNISHED, IMMEDIATAMENTE!"

Courageous beyond the limits of his very limited otherworldly planet, Harry Potter prepared his Kingvoucher and channeled its energy from the dimension that screamed of nought etc etc.

"JAR JAR, LOOKSA TO THE LEFT!" Pollo Dorks yelled panically. The young journalist from Otoh Gunga was standing next to his master, determined to document his story. Binks looked to the right, because he never knew what's left. He narrowly escaped the first bout of Force lightning from Harry Potter's Kinderhammer.

"JAR JAR, MY TOLD YOU SO!" stressed Dorks. Deeply inside his empty abdomen and his tight chest, Jar Jar knew that Pollo was right; so he decided to be more careful. Concentrate. Hibernate, but only for one golden second. This blink of an eye allowed him to channel more energy than it was theoretically possible to. There was to be mayhem. And what mayhem!

"NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!" yelled Harry Potter, desperately holding onto his lifemate, the Knockwonder.

But it was too late.

His fate was sealed.

Jar Jar summoned great balls of fire out of practically nowhere and screamed for all of his specimen lost to the inevitability of time passing. He directed the fireballs to Harry Potter, who got on his knees and tried to block the certain doom using the Kleidhänger. Within a minute, a rain of cans containing first-class Harry Potter preserves fell on the planet of Maya Kovel, hitting the same random loser once again.

Kuna constellation exploded marvellously and then reformed, for the Gungan superbeing had the ability to bend the time-space continuum. Strangely, it reformed in the shape of Jar Jar Binks' own head, with two young blue giants serving as its eyes and one yellow dwarf serving as its bling-bling tooth; for a newly-formed planetary system has got to have some swag.

Only now, when he willingly and responsibly reformed the Thin Disk to his liking, he realised that the below-lying Moddell sector was not big enough for both him and King Gorneesh of the Mighty, Mighty Duloks. As he was on his way to banish the forest moon of Endor to the dimension of flatcakes' infernal torture; he realised that another voice was speaking inside of him. This voice was softer than soft, lyrically sharp to the point of sheer perfection and it spared the life of a bunch of Strutters as well, as they had already spotted the newly-formed constellation in the dark of the sanctuary moon's night and had begun to chant "Tisk, tisk, tisk! Tacky, tacky, tacky!"

"SHUTSA UP, YOUSA MISERABLE PRODUKTSA OF TWISTED MERITOCRACY!" Pollo Dorks was clearly annoyed, as his Master needed to concentrate. Once the Strutters ducked their pretty heads in the sand of the meadow they were residing on; Jar Jar could finally concentrate and channel more spirits from outside of the known realm. And they were speaking to him, loudly, letting him know what he was missing in his near-perfect lifetime of absolute dominance.

"VOGLIO DONNA, VOGLIO DONNA!" yelled Jar Jar, his sexy voice echoing as far as the plannet Csilla in Unknown Regions, where they immediatelly banned him on radiophonic devices.

"JAR JAR, DATSA NOT A KNOWN LANGUAGES!" Pollo Dorks expressed his concerns for his spiritual leader's well-being.

"GAUDEAMUS IGITUR, LOREM IPSUM, VOGLIO DONNA!" Jar Jar continued to wail, clearly in trance. Young Pollo shrugged and, in order to escape the fate of all 58 advisors, the protoplanetary disk and Harry Potter, he took a deep breath and calmed down.

His basic instict leading him, Jar Jar activated the hyperspace device on his back, and with his miserable pawn barely holding out to the edge of his trousers, thus revealing a tiny bit of his rear-end, he made the hyperspace jump towards the top-secret location; where he saw HER. He activated the brakes and narrowly escaped hitting a starcruiser carrying a group of attractive Hutt hostesses to Bespin.

And there she was. Right before him, in all her beauty.

SHE was clearly perfect. And shiny, like one of those disco balls on Coruscant. And she was as big as the moons of Coruscant.

"WANTSA FORM A BABBY WITH MESA?" he begun to court the beauty, but she could not hear him. And then he realised that he needed more energy.

"POLLO, QUITSA WRITING ABOUT HOW GREAT MESA BE, MY NEED MOTIVATIONAL CHANT TO TRANSFORMSA!"

Young Pollo shrugged once again, realising the situation was calling for him to do something he was not particularly keen on.

"MEGA JARJAR,

MEGA JARJAR!"

The third eye on Jar Jar's tongue blinked red, yellow and, eventually green. He was ready. He begun the transformation. Pollo continued his curious chant, his eyes closed and barely visible inbetween his delicate eyelashes.

"MEGA JARJAR,

MEGA JARJAR!"

"Is this really necessary?" asked the Force ghost of Quinoa Gin, who suddenly appeared floating in space, proud of his newly discovered skill, but nobody really cared about him, so he frowned and jumped back to the Neitherworld.

"MEGA JARJAR,

MEGA JARJAR!"

Pollo was out of breath. He opened his eyes and realised he was standing on a single button of the vest of his now gas giant-sized Master and Spiritual Leader. He was enthusiastically shaking with excitement!

"WANTSA FORM A BABBY WITH MESA?" Mega Jar Jar asserted to the woman of his dreams, with newly-found confidence in his voice, which was now a bass-bariton.

There was no response. Jar Jar realised that SHE might have taken offense. Tears begun to roll down the sensitive skin of his bemused face.

And then she spoke. To his horror, it was the voice of Darth Vader, the Sith lord!

"Get off that thing!" Dork Waiter moaned gently, with a hint of understanding creeping out of his synthetic voice, "Mesa totally understanda yousa frustration, but yousa going to spoil it! We didn't even begin building it yet and yousa already on top of it. Not cool, by any means!"

Jar Jar was puzzled. He did not know that the Dork Lard of the Sheet could speak some Gungan-Basic, because the time he spent on Naboo prior to his stint as a senator was traumatic, to the point of tearing out the tiniest bits of his, tormented, tortured soul he lost long before this broadcast even started.

"YOUSA SPEAK MY LANGUAGE. THEREFORE, MY SPARE YOU. BUT MY NEED A LIFEMATE. IF MY CANNOT HAS HER, YOUSA CAN FIND MESA ANOTHER. NOWSA!"

Dam Geiger knew women. And he knew that having a relationship with a high-profile figure such as mr. Binks would expose Death Star to a lot of unwanted publicity, as She was a secret project after all. So, he had to think of something else, both to please Jar Jar and protect Her.

And there it was, floating above his head. AN IDEA.

"Execute order 42." Dorm Cider desperately addressed his minions through comlink.

"WHAT is order 42?" asked Admiral Motti, with legitimate concerns over the tense situation clearly audible in his manly-man voice.

"I DON'T HAVE A KRIFFIN' IDEA, JUST EXECUTE IT. THIS NUT IS GOING TO KILL EVERYBODY!"

Motti shrugged and addressed all of the clone and non-clone commanders, his voice shaking with terror.

"ËXECUTEOOÓØRDER42NOWNOWNOW!"

Jar Jar Binks was waiting, his feet resting on his home planet Naboo killing everybody with toxic gas and his tongue seductively licking the virgin beauty of the planet Aurea, who then asked him to back the kriff off, which immediately prompted him to chew it and blow balloons.

The wait was getting long and he was looking at Coruscant, wondering if he should make a ring out of it, or more teeth bling, depending on what was in fashion.

And there she was. MORE BEAUTIFUL THAN THE DEATH STAR.

"MESA CALLED JAR JAR BINKS. MESA FORM A BABBY WITH YOUSA AND THEN MESA AND THOU BABY REVENGETH EVERYBODY."

"Oh, dear." fumed Zonama Sekot, "I know I was destined to handle some quite horrible guys in far future, but they were nothing like this insensitive, uncultured, nerf-herding cretin."

"ROSES RED,

VIOLETS HAS NO EYE,

WILD SPACE BEAUTY,

MY WIFE YOUSA BE

OR YOUSA GONNA DIE."

"This is not OK, Jar Jar and you know it. If you wanna be with me, you know there is a price to pay..."

"YESA?"

"You need to be a true gentleman. You know, be nice. I demand you ask for help, as I should not be dealing with your unpleasant manners. NOW."

"DISA NOT TRUE."

"Yes, I am afraid it's very true, for you don't even know my name. You don't know what I like. You have no idea what turns me on. You have never asked me about my childhood and my family."

A storm rolled over the planet's light side, currently being illumunated by the bright star of Corell. Seemingly, a tear of gigantic proportions rolled down Jar Jar Bink's face, rendering it even more sensitive and in desperate need of a facial treatment and proper skin care.

"I will give you ONE STANDARD WEEK, Jar Jar." Regina Spektor said, gramatically correct, in an overwhelmingly dramatic manner, "ONE STANDARD WEEK."

The words of Zonama Sekot echoed.

And echoed.

And echoed.

Not willing to accept the harsh reality of his immediate surroundings, Jar Jar thought of Gungan mud.


	2. CHAPTRA DUEY -  THE FALLOUT!MAUL IN THE DISCO HOTEL

Zonama Sekot was waiting in vain, trying to start an intelligent discussion with a bunch of planets who were not listening, because other planets don't listen.

But Zonama Sekot desperately needed somebody to talk to.

For Zonama Sekot was missing Jar Jar Binks. Absence was making the planet’s heart grow fonder.

“I wonder what…he is doing right now…” Zonama sighed and had her living intelligence, Sekot, read a book to her.

> "Oh, that's just what I wanted to ask you! Why am I losing my hair?"
> 
> That was the question that no one would be able to answer, even in the normal circumstances. Actually, everybody felt sorry, but no one knew what to say.
> 
> Michael was the one to melt the ice. "Zucchini! Lobster, zucchini, butter, butter!" He called Jacques to come to him.
> 
> Liz got it. "Jacques, he wants to apologise to you!"
> 
> "Apologise for what? And, who's that man?"
> 
> "Lobster!" said Michael with a shrug.
> 
> "Doesn't matter! Just say that you're sorry too. "
> 
> "All right, Mr. Lobster, I am sorry too. "
> 
> They shook each other's hand and sat down.

The sentient planet thought that this was the worst holobook in the entire Universe. Nothing could take her mind of Jar Jar and his sensual tongue. They had not kissed before they parted, and Zonama was regretting this muchly.

...

A couple of days had passed by, but it might have been millennia - Jar Jar was pretty sure that he had seen other galaxies moving away from his own, while he was contemplating what he had learned about manners and chivalry. There was, of course, another option: that rumours were spreading faster than the sublight speed of the hyperdrives and that, despite the hyperspace disturbance beyond the edge of the Galaxy, the other spiralesque dots of Universe's infinite beauty were now familiar with his plumber's butt and the tantalising fragrance of his feet.

At the same time, his desire to devour Zonama Sekot in a passionate act of love was not allowing him to think straight. He was a shadow of his former self and the said shadow had already been cast on the nearby planet of Bakura, causing each single piece of namana fruit to explode and the practitioners of Cosmic Balance to pray for the souls of their grand-grand-grand stepchildren.

Just as he poked the nearby sun with the tip of his finger in order to sterilise it after having accidentally pierced his tongue through Force, the Gungan noticed something approaching him.

Something menacing and furious. Something phantomagasmic and Sitholicious.

It was...

"DARTH MAUL!" Jar Jar interrupted the reluctant narrator because he was fed up with long descriptions with little to no purpose. His scream tore a wormhole between the Moddell and Bakura sectors, as the fallen Sith assassin hid himself behind the Kuna constellation, obviously ignorant of the fact that it was now shaped like Jar Jar's head. Or maybe he just didn't have an eye for details.

The two of them exchanged a bunch of angry looks, superlasering each other.

"YOUSA NO SPAKEN BERRY MUCH. DA ABILITY TO SPAKEN MAKEN ONESA INTELIGELLY, MESA SURE YOUSA KNOWEN DAT." Jar Jar offsided disparingly.

"Okay, I may as well speak, though I am supposed to be antisocial because that's what's cool! I am here to avenge a Human male by the name of Port-a-Potty!" Darth Maul kuildebocked fluctuatingly.

"YOUSA MEANEN HARRY POTTER? DA UNA WHO TRIEN TO KILLEN MESA WITH HIS KLINGHOFFER AND NOW BESA CANS?" Jar Jar c'sewed hosgrilgly. He had no time for this. He absolutely and totally had no time for this.

"Don't you correct me. EVER!" Darth Maul conceived starchyly. "Come out of that intergalactic space, I dare you to!"

"MAKEN MESA!" Jar Jar guanked very prudently.

Darth Maul moved the shy, blushing moon of Trindello out of its orbit, in order to demonstratively reveal his entire physique. By doing so, he caused a bunch of illegally-harvested timbre to hit the same random loser on Maya Kovel as it always would have.

Jar Jar stovamped glacierly in the bructuval sngience of his trwhnops.

For Darth Maul had no legs.

He had a pair of scantily-clad leg lamps!!!

"HOW WUDE, DARTH MAUL. YOUSA WEAREN PUMPS AND FISHNET SUCKLINGS. HEAR, IN MESA JARJARIC EMPIRE, BESA A STRICT, MODEST DRESSCODE. MESA NOT NEED HARRY POTTER'S KNICKERBOCKER TO BEAT YOU!"

Darth Maul frowned. All that slut-shaming was triggering his anxiety.

"You are such a kriffslider, Jar Jar and you know that. Do you even know what it takes for a Zabrak male to be emancipated? Do you know how hard I had to work for these leg lamps? Do you know what I mean? Also, these are stilettos, not pumps, you useless cretin!”

Darth Maul sat on the Sistermoon, the third moon of Endor, seductively crossed his leg lamps and lit them up, making a bunch of Ewoks bow to him from the second moon; until they spotted the sheer horror of shamelessly suggestive Sith tattoos in a very wrong place.

Jar Jar was not impressed.

"YOUSA THINKEN DAT MESA NO HAVEN DA SAME? PFFFT."

With that words, the admirable Gungan terrorist flashed.

The tip of his tongue, previously sporting a tonguelightchainsaw.

Now clad in a leg lamp covered in a thick woolly stocking and a plastoid slipper.

“MESA MODEST! MESA HAVEN VALUES!”

The two were ready for the big standoff.

Jar Jar looked at the numerous suns.

“MESA GONNA MAKEN HIM AN OFFER HESA CAN’T REFUSE.“ he proclaimed pipettely.

“What?” Darth Maul almost dropped his red saberstaff. “Are you talking to me?

“NO. MESA PRACTICEN MESA LINES FOR DA NEXT INSTALLO OF ‘YOUSA DA BOMBAD’. DUH.”

“Oh, please, I have been to Naboo and…and…oh, dear Force, I said Naboo!”

Jar Jar watched Darth Maul panic. The word “Naboo” must have meant something to him.

“Nööööööööööööööööööööööööööööööööööööööö.” He cried.

“YOUSA NOW CHANELEN DARK WAITER, HE NO LIKEN DIS! HE FORCE-CHOKE YOU!”

Jar Jar had no mercy for one more emo in his life. He removed the underwear that was drying itself using the Monsua Nebula’s radiation in order to get rid of all the bacteria from his long earstalks and used the super-flexible hanging rope and durasteel pegs to channel the dark side of the Force, in a way that amateur Darth Maul had never been capable of. He picked his newly-created lightrope and used it as a lasso to cut through the logs of Trindello that Maul was sending in his direction. With each single hit of the rope emitting Force lightning, the logs were turned into dominos and flying towards Maul.

“What on Dathomir is this swamphead doing?”

The numbers on perfectly-carved pieces of wood were getting smaller and smaller, until Maul ended with a blank domino stuck inbetween the front pair of his horns. He had read this in a story before, that had to be either death or rebirth, but he considered the author of the said story too stupid to believe. Now he was close to regretting it, for Jar Jar was writing his sin and his tragedy.

“MESA GOT YOU, DORK LARD! YOUSA NOW BESA BERRY BERRY DEAD! ANY LAST SPAKES?”

Darth Maul had no last words, but he had a desire for one last meal. Too bad that he could not reach to his home planet for it. Too bad that the domino clearly said that he was now a blank space.

And then, the emo Zabrak Nightbrother was dead. He was dead like a sarlacc outside of the armed bounty hunter tourist season, like a dianooga below a network of public toilets on Gand. All that remained behind was a pair of leg lamps.

Jar Jar was pleased. After Harry Potter, he got rid of a notorious Sith assasin. For there could only be one. And that was him.

However, he was in a bad mood. He had not seen his beloved Zordon Sectet was, for a while. He was not able to locate the Emperor Polyethylene either. And he was not happy for he lacked the ability to remember names correctly.

On top of it, he had a cavity on his unwisdom tooth. He quickly repaired it by inserting the dwarf planet of Megiddo in it, for it had lots of heavy metal, to the point some residents of nearby systems were calling it by exotic names such as “Metallica” or “Iron Maiden”.

And then he used Darth Maul’s stilettos to remove the extra planetary matter from his gums.

He could have used his own, but he felt that the tongueleglamp was yet to shine, in one final clash.

Or more final and semi-final clashes, depending on the format of the tournament.

Accuracy was never his strong suit.


End file.
